I don't understand my life, guys. Save me

So I spent like 6 hours stoning and thinking about life. YET AGAIN. You know if you ask me, I really don't regret anything that I've done in the past. I mean anything that I've done before, is what brought me to where I am now. The only thing that I regret, is probably not doing things I wish I could do because my parents don't allow me to. As of now living the yolo style is all I want. I'm fucking 19. I wanna experience everything a 19 year old should experience. It's like my last year of being a teenager. 

I can't decide on whether I'm fucked up or whether I'm too innocent to be fucked up. I'm so confused I really don't understand myself. All my life I literally have the weirdest range of friends, people from all walks of life. I have been with the most beng and most lian people that I've known, and I've been with the most innocent and studious people that made me study. Of course there are in betweens but yeah. Everytime I think about the things I've done before, I'm just like so embarrassed to let anyone know what kind of a person I really am.. Times when I wished I was innocent as fuck. But at the same time, I don't think I'm the only one who's fucked up. I honestly think I can pull off as being an innocent girl. But deep inside it just sucks to know that I'm lying to myself. Omg I can't even explain how this feels. 

Many of you say how careful I am with who I mix with and who I want to let in. DUH because I know what kind of people there are out there. I know everyone is harmful to a certain extent because I myself ain't no angel. Sigh. I guess this is really just a way of life. I want people to accept me for who I am yet at the same time I'm too afraid to show people who I really am. Is this a sign of being a coward? Of course it is. I will forever be a coward. I'm forever scared of what others think of me. FOREVERRRR. 

I honestly can't wait to be done with LASALLE. I need a new life. Away from that school. I also can't decide if LASALLE has made me a better or worse person. Well one thing I know for sure is that it has made me treasure my old friends and it has made me realised how much my old friends mean to me. Because I can never find gems like them anywhere else. Sometimes I really can't figure out if I've taken the wrong path. Come to think of it I really cannot secure myself any job with this diploma. I mean yeah I've known that before even taking this course but..... I am just thinking.... Looking at my friends all having internships and facing the real world. What the fuck am I doing sia wasting my parents money. SO MUCH MONEY. Yeah they can afford it but so what?! So what man really. The guilt eats me everyday ok.

I still have a lil less than a month of holiday left. I know very well I'm gonna cry again every night when school starts. I'm going to stress like hell I'm going to go to hell. 1 month is really too short to do anything. There're so many things I wanna do you know. Really omg. 

And career or love? I know it's damn unrealistic to choose love over career but heck I will choose love over career anytime.... I don't know why I guess I really think happiness is my main priority in life. To me my drive in life is always based on others. I hate to say this but I always put my happiness in other people's hands. Sucks because once they're gone, my happiness is gone too. I get attached to people so easily. It's not like I'm a very dependent person la serious I think I can survive on my own. It's just that I'm super unhappy and I hate it la? I really just want to be happy with the person I truly love in the future. Because I know if I love that person, I'd go all lengths for him.... Because nothing else matters... 

I really have no end to this post because I can really go on forever even if there's no link in the paragraphs written. All these are like my scattered thoughts that I can never ever put them together. I live in this fantasy cum realistic world you know. I'm such a hopeless romantic but reality hits me. No such thing.... I want to say that only the heart matters but reality hits me.

Don't know what to say about myself. I'm a confused child who seriously just wants to yolo but is afraid of what everyone will think of me. And in the back of my mind I can already name the few people that I'm scared of. 

This quote that I saw on tumblr. "We don't trust people because of two reasons. 1. because we don't know them. 2. because we know them." So bloody freaking true. 

I'm going to probably regret posting this up because these are my nonsensical thoughts but.... well I would love to look back at it after afew years and love at my stupidity. So yeah note to older shanette: IT WAS A PHASE DONT JUDGE YOURSELF 

Drive, driving, driven.

Oh hey hi.

I realised now, nobody really likes music on blogs yeah? Somehow disrupting what you are listening and stuff? I get that often too, if i visit someone else's blog and i'm listening to my own music and their music just overlaps with mine. Irritating...

So i had English Oral this morning. Honestly, i think i did well for my reading. Yes there's booboo here and there but at least i think this was the best one that i did out of my 3 and 1/2 years in secondary school life. As for picture discussion, didnt really went that well. The picture itself was hard! I couldnt describe what the guy was sitting on. My friend could actually link it to ROWING which i really have no idea what that photo has got anything to do with rowing. Yup, i have absolutely no idea what the picture was about.

Tomorrow is chinese oral and as most of you if not some know, that im really bad at my chinese language. I really dont know how i'm going to carry a conversation with the chinese teacher tomorrow. I'm praying really hard that Mr Ong is not my teacher. I'll cry really.

I'm going to have dance marathon @ Oschool with Liqian tomorrow from 6.30-9.30pm and on Saturday too, with Brice. I'm excited, because its been quite sometime since i last went there and also, dance. :)

Sugar, Spice and everything nice.

Okay you know what? I've decided to start up my blog again. I feel that my english language has been real bad recently. I've been typing too much shortcuts because of twitter and it must have affected how i write and my sentence structures during exam. GOSH THAT IS A REAL BAD ISSUE. Oh and i'm sorry for my previous blog post. I was just frustrated and needed somewhere to rant my nonsensical crap. So pardon me. :\

I've been doing not so well recently. First things first, prelim 1 is almost over and ha ha. Obviously i screwed up. Actually if i was more confident in what i was revising and had more time, i wouldve done better in my humanities. As for math.... Such a disappointment. I feel like i should just dig a hole and hide my head inside. Language wise, like i said, i havent been doing really well lately. Its just a downhill for everything, basically. -_- I'm not smart, i'm not stupid either. I'm just pure lazy. I wish i could just kick off those lazy bones. It'll really help alot, i swear.

Enough with the studies. I think i have a split personality. Actually i feel that everyone does. We can actually put up a strong front when there are people around you. When you're left alone, you just feel, helpless. Do you get what i mean? Nobody can make you feel good. Nothing. You're just weak and pathetic and i really dont know what other words can describe that despondent feeling. Its just terrible to keep feeling that every night.

As i grow a year older each year, i feel like i have gotten colder to the opposite sex. During sec1, fuck man i should just admit that i talk to any guy who flirts with me, gives my number to anyone who wants it. It was hell of a year. Until someone turned up and changed my life for that short period of time. I have no idea why i felt like i was in wonderland. Like seriously, in the past, i felt like he was my everything and i'd die without him. K enough with that crap. I think no one expected i was such a bitch. Well i was. Then when i went to sec2, i started to have infatuation with a guy whom i dont even know from church for wtf 2years? -_- Yeah i know i'm NUTS.

It was starting of sec3 that i started to hate guys alot. 1st, i dont understand whats so important about appearance. 2nd, i get adds from people i dont even know and they start judging me based on my photos. WHAT THE FAUK. 3rd, "i like you. can we stead." <- THIS IS THE WORSE SENTENCE, EVER. Damn guys, please grow up. I dont believe you can actually 'like' someone just because you're attracted to his/her appearance. That sort of 'like' will eventually fade off. So why waste time on such jerks? MOVE ON. Love at first sight? Tell me how and why. Are you nuts? Do you know his background? Do you know how he is like? Do you know what he likes and dislikes? Do you know whats his hobby and can you read his mind even if he isnt talking? If your answer to all or most of the questions above is a "NO", then gurl, stop crapping with the love at first sight shit.

Sorry that i'm too against males but...... No one proved that i was wrong right? Yes there is one, SORT OF. But you're such an on and off. One moment you can treat me like a princess and care like some crazy person and the next, you leave me hanging there thinking i should just throw you in the bin. I dont know. My gut feeling tells me that i should hang on but i really dont know what result am i expecting. Its either, 1, i'm too paranoid. 2, you're trying to get my attention(wtf?) 3, you're obviously using me. You really dont seem like a bad guy. But i really got no prove to anything. You might probably tell every girl the same thing cuz like me, THEY ALWAYS FALL FOR IT. Yes this is every girl's weak point. Lol. I dont know what to say.

I want to text you things like, "what happened to you. why havent you text me for so long.", show some concern or just simply start a conversation. But 3/4 is stopping me from doing that. My mind keeps telling me that you're doing this to every single girl, and you're getting sick of me. Hence, you dont even bother replying. So why the hell should i start texting you and fall into your trap man? Every minute im thinking thinking thinking and i bet my life you dont even know that. I'm sorry i really dont know how to express myself but UGGGGGGHHHHH.

Sorry i dont even know what i'm posting already. So, byebye. I promise i'll try to keep up with posting. But hmmmm, thats only if i get readers la... ._. LOL byebye.

You love me for who i am? What a joke

Can somebody give me a reason to smile? Why when everytime i feel happy that someone actually cared, something HAS to happen?
You know what, i know i'm not perfect. I'm ugly, fat, gigantic, bla, whatever synonyms you can find.
BUT I STILL HAVE A BLOODY RED HEART. I'm a fucking human and i got feelings.
How can you just come into my life and leave just cause god knows what reason and excuse.
Oh my god. Don't say i didnt try. I did. But well, i cannot say anything. You're no longer my property.
You can do whatever you want and hell, NOBODY CARES.
I just want you to know that, you are just one of the many that brings down the pride of Singaporean Males.
I know that there are people who are good, and i dont wanna judge them.
BUT I MUST BECAUSE MY HEART SAYS SO. I'm stubborn i'm annoying i'm irritating i'm cold, WHATEVER.
It's just fucking me and i know nobody is able to accept that except the 6 friends that i've got.
Its just a matter of time really. All those sweet talks <- what the fuck you should stop that. it doesnt work on me but i just find it disgusting.
All those fake concerns that you give, omg. i swear until now i have no idea what motive you've got in your mind.
I hate how you always treat like nothing happened. I hate how you always try to think i will text you back, knowing that i wont.
To tell you the fucking truth, even though i'm dying to talk to someone, i'll never fucking text that someone, regardless of who you fucking are.
& yes i DID care about you. sad that you couldnt tell. cuz if you see how i talk to other people, i know you'll know i care.
BUT FUCK IT. you were the one who initiated everything. idgaf. its friday and i'm annoyed over this.
wasting my time and effort and cells. after whatever you've told me yesterday, you just come and go, as and when you want.
so now, what do you take me for? a fucking toy? lol. what a joke. please just spare me.
i really shouldnt have even stepped into this pile of shit. yes i'm grateful that you took care of me on the day that im sick.
im grateful for everything that you've done i'm serious. but its not consistent. everytime you do something, i'll go like, fuck i shouldnt treat you so bad.
but right after that thought, you'll do something to make me upset and really im speechless.
you wanna free yourself from me, so that you have more choices to choose from and i'm fucking one of them.
let me tell you, I AM NOT A FUCKING CHOICE. ITS EITHER ME OR NOTHING. what fucking choice have you got huh.
dont ever put me in your 'choice' list or i'll freaking take a parang and chase after you.
and guys cant simply put this in their head: when we let you go, we want you to show us that you want us back. NOT LET US GO.
dumb ass. really you live up to your name.

Fate

Hello everybody. I'm back here.

So today's the first time i'm working. Like really paid cuz i "worked". Kay it was for some marathon event at Marina blvd AND IT WAS TREMENDOUSLY BORING :(

I reached yvonne's house at 1.45am and slacked there till 3.30am. Flagged for a cab and reached there just in time, 4am. Changed into the tshirt given and supposingly i was the erm... Some stairway shit thingy uh. But the head pulled me and liqian out cuz the Water Point not enough people. When we reached there, WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE. I was totally clueless to what i should do. After we finished displaying the watercups, the people started coming back. -_- LOL. I was really trying my best to be friendly.

Tried to sleep too cuz there was nothing else to do and the marathon havent started. So when i was almost deciding to sit down and sleep, this guy, i suppose his name is Darence, suddenly came and sat between me and liqian. I was like, er??? So can i sit down or what? LOL. Still sat down but couldn't sleep... I ended up eavesdropping their conversation. -_- Interesting...

At 8ish, people started to reach the ending point and i was like WTH THEY ARE SERIOUSLY SUPERMAN. -_- Started work and kept pouring water non stop. Like some crazy idiot LOL. But our teamwork not bad ah, for strangers. Liqian go give water, i keep pouring water. Keep grabbing new bottles if not enough and pass it to the guys. Yeah it was tiring... I was still eavesdropping though. Well c'mon if you were me you'd eavesdrop too cuz its normal. I've got nothing to do! I'm not being entertained by anyone! I felt bored! :( THATS WHY!

After everyone ran finished, all of us were like dead tired la. The whole place was in a mess, everywhere puddles of water. Idk where to sit. Then i sat on top of this 12L box of water. Its heavy enough to hold my weight k. Thats how heavy it is. LOL.. Then darence damn joke. He go sit at this 2 boxes of empty bottles and after afew minutes, the box couldn't withstand his weight. LOL. Yeah yeah yeah. So blah blah blah, we could pack off at like 10 plus already. AND WE WERE WONDERING HOW WE WERE GONNA CARRY SO MANY 12L boxes of water bottles!!! Some guy brought a trolley and carried almost 30-40 boxes of 12L of water bottles. Mad crazy.. Of course others helped but dont really have that much use uh.

Went back J8 to eat after that and head home. Now i'm thinking if i should go to sleep cuz i havent slept, or just stay awake...

마지막 선물

Hello. I know it's been a long time since i last updated this blog. You know what, i think i've lost interest in blogging. I dont feel like there's a need to share my life with people when they dont even give a heck about it. I used to love blogging. I used to love writing a whole load of grandmother story even though i know not many of you guys read. But now, i really find it a waste of time. This might probably be the last time i'll update this. WHO KNOWS? Probably in the future, there would be times when i miss the blog and decide to post again. But for now, i think it's really... of no use. I'm sorry blog :( Well, i think you can obviously still find me through twitter or facebook. C'mon i'm like 24/7 active over there.

Twitter: www.twitter.com/shanetteluvyou
Facebook: Search Shanette Tan/mailto:Tan/shanette-@hotmail.com :)

So...... life have been really mundane these days. On Tuesday and Wednesday, i was so in luck. On my way home on Tuesday, i was alighting from the bus and coincidentally, he went up to the bus, not knowing of my presence. Wow its alright. To me, it's really very amazing what fate can do sometimes. If i just missed by one minute, he could have hopped on to another bus. & on Wednesday, it was New year's eve. I was thinking if i should hang out with my friends till evening or just go home straight. I chose to go home straight, and when i was walking home, he was walking behind me. Ok he overtook me after that. I have no idea how he can walk so fast really. I tried walking infront but he still overtook me. -_- He doesnt recognise me :( Or idk. I guess thats kinda a good thing. I dont know what has gotten into me really. Was he my husband in my past life or someone dear to me? Seriously? Why do i have such different thoughts from the other teenagers? Sigh.

Alright babies. I'm gone for now. It feels sad. :( Plus i'm listening to a sad song right now. Double sadness... Goodbye. See you guys real soon, i hope? Love you all.

Speciality

Today was a rather awesome day i can say.
I went out feeling very bloated and tired and sloppy, but came home remembering how retarded we all were.

So i woke up at 10am this morning, bathed, downloaded afew songs and went out to meet Liqian and Chongjun first. Amanda and Charlotte met earlier in the morning i guess. So while walking to 77th street, i saw zhengxiang and alexea. Omg shocked me cuz i totally didnt see or notice them. Zhengxiang was like *wavewavewavewavewave* -_-! LOL. I was blasting songs on my earphones too so, didnt really care about the surroundings. Then waited for liqian and her bro. Still havent come sian. I waited there alone. SO LONELY. Then someone tapped me from behind. DARRYLE TAN, with Jiazhen. Eh wtf shocked the 2nd time of the day -_- DAMN GL LEH I THINK. I like never do anything but he keep shooting me non stop. Wtf. Ok whatever. Liqian came shortly after awhile BUT I DIDNT SAW HER TOO EVEN THOUGH SHE'S RIGHT INFRONT OF ME AND SHE WAS ALSO WAVING LIKE ME. Wtf i swear im abit pajiao and crazy. -.- 3rd shock of the day. Then when i turned, i realised Charlotte and Amanda was already there?!!? I WAS STANDING AT THE SAME SPOT FOR SO LONG BUT I DIDNT SEE THEM!? Wtf x10000000. LOL.

Decided to go Ion first. Bought Chongjun's clothes from Uniqlo and shoes from Everlast. Then just kept walking around. Walk until leg tired. ._. Then went Wisma. Today so many people. Make me angry only. 1. DAMN HOT. HUMAN HEAT. 2. So cramped! 3. Keep kena stepped or banged. Wtf angry only. Then Chongjun like poor thing only la. When we go in girls shop he always stand outside wait. First few shops awkward only. It was the first time i saw and actually interacted with him. So yeah i just left him there waiting alone LMAO. But i suddenly got tired of shopping when we decided to go Far east. I dont like far east :( So i got no mood to shop lol.. Liqian amanda and charlotte like active shoppers only. So i just stood outside waiting, with chongjun lor.

Seriously he always give me the Simon D look. The look where Simon D got owned that kind of look. REALLY SIA, especially his mouth. & LIQIAN KEPT SAYING HE FAT. ZZZ Ya la fatter than average singapore men size BUT COMPARED TO MY BROTHER, he already okay pls. My brother can slim down like him hor, i thank heaven like what shit already. LOL. Worst part is my brother and him SAME AGE. I swear you put them together, one look like primary school kid(my bro), another look like secondary school kid.

I was damn tired man seriously. But here and there laughter always starts out of nowhere. Funny la. HAHA. Went amk to eat after that and Charlotte kept laughing at me cause she thought i was the epic joker of the day :( LOL. Reached home around 8plus, bathed and now i'm here. HAHA.

Tomorrow's study day :( Sian. Dont want leh.... Wished i can go out again.. But idk when i'll have the time again la. Gonna go do hair tomorrow. Hehe happy.