I don't understand my life, guys. Save me

So I spent like 6 hours stoning and thinking about life. YET AGAIN. You know if you ask me, I really don't regret anything that I've done in the past. I mean anything that I've done before, is what brought me to where I am now. The only thing that I regret, is probably not doing things I wish I could do because my parents don't allow me to. As of now living the yolo style is all I want. I'm fucking 19. I wanna experience everything a 19 year old should experience. It's like my last year of being a teenager. 

I can't decide on whether I'm fucked up or whether I'm too innocent to be fucked up. I'm so confused I really don't understand myself. All my life I literally have the weirdest range of friends, people from all walks of life. I have been with the most beng and most lian people that I've known, and I've been with the most innocent and studious people that made me study. Of course there are in betweens but yeah. Everytime I think about the things I've done before, I'm just like so embarrassed to let anyone know what kind of a person I really am.. Times when I wished I was innocent as fuck. But at the same time, I don't think I'm the only one who's fucked up. I honestly think I can pull off as being an innocent girl. But deep inside it just sucks to know that I'm lying to myself. Omg I can't even explain how this feels. 

Many of you say how careful I am with who I mix with and who I want to let in. DUH because I know what kind of people there are out there. I know everyone is harmful to a certain extent because I myself ain't no angel. Sigh. I guess this is really just a way of life. I want people to accept me for who I am yet at the same time I'm too afraid to show people who I really am. Is this a sign of being a coward? Of course it is. I will forever be a coward. I'm forever scared of what others think of me. FOREVERRRR. 

I honestly can't wait to be done with LASALLE. I need a new life. Away from that school. I also can't decide if LASALLE has made me a better or worse person. Well one thing I know for sure is that it has made me treasure my old friends and it has made me realised how much my old friends mean to me. Because I can never find gems like them anywhere else. Sometimes I really can't figure out if I've taken the wrong path. Come to think of it I really cannot secure myself any job with this diploma. I mean yeah I've known that before even taking this course but..... I am just thinking.... Looking at my friends all having internships and facing the real world. What the fuck am I doing sia wasting my parents money. SO MUCH MONEY. Yeah they can afford it but so what?! So what man really. The guilt eats me everyday ok.

I still have a lil less than a month of holiday left. I know very well I'm gonna cry again every night when school starts. I'm going to stress like hell I'm going to go to hell. 1 month is really too short to do anything. There're so many things I wanna do you know. Really omg. 

And career or love? I know it's damn unrealistic to choose love over career but heck I will choose love over career anytime.... I don't know why I guess I really think happiness is my main priority in life. To me my drive in life is always based on others. I hate to say this but I always put my happiness in other people's hands. Sucks because once they're gone, my happiness is gone too. I get attached to people so easily. It's not like I'm a very dependent person la serious I think I can survive on my own. It's just that I'm super unhappy and I hate it la? I really just want to be happy with the person I truly love in the future. Because I know if I love that person, I'd go all lengths for him.... Because nothing else matters... 

I really have no end to this post because I can really go on forever even if there's no link in the paragraphs written. All these are like my scattered thoughts that I can never ever put them together. I live in this fantasy cum realistic world you know. I'm such a hopeless romantic but reality hits me. No such thing.... I want to say that only the heart matters but reality hits me.

Don't know what to say about myself. I'm a confused child who seriously just wants to yolo but is afraid of what everyone will think of me. And in the back of my mind I can already name the few people that I'm scared of. 

This quote that I saw on tumblr. "We don't trust people because of two reasons. 1. because we don't know them. 2. because we know them." So bloody freaking true. 

I'm going to probably regret posting this up because these are my nonsensical thoughts but.... well I would love to look back at it after afew years and love at my stupidity. So yeah note to older shanette: IT WAS A PHASE DONT JUDGE YOURSELF