I don't understand my life, guys. Save me

So I spent like 6 hours stoning and thinking about life. YET AGAIN. You know if you ask me, I really don't regret anything that I've done in the past. I mean anything that I've done before, is what brought me to where I am now. The only thing that I regret, is probably not doing things I wish I could do because my parents don't allow me to. As of now living the yolo style is all I want. I'm fucking 19. I wanna experience everything a 19 year old should experience. It's like my last year of being a teenager. 

I can't decide on whether I'm fucked up or whether I'm too innocent to be fucked up. I'm so confused I really don't understand myself. All my life I literally have the weirdest range of friends, people from all walks of life. I have been with the most beng and most lian people that I've known, and I've been with the most innocent and studious people that made me study. Of course there are in betweens but yeah. Everytime I think about the things I've done before, I'm just like so embarrassed to let anyone know what kind of a person I really am.. Times when I wished I was innocent as fuck. But at the same time, I don't think I'm the only one who's fucked up. I honestly think I can pull off as being an innocent girl. But deep inside it just sucks to know that I'm lying to myself. Omg I can't even explain how this feels. 

Many of you say how careful I am with who I mix with and who I want to let in. DUH because I know what kind of people there are out there. I know everyone is harmful to a certain extent because I myself ain't no angel. Sigh. I guess this is really just a way of life. I want people to accept me for who I am yet at the same time I'm too afraid to show people who I really am. Is this a sign of being a coward? Of course it is. I will forever be a coward. I'm forever scared of what others think of me. FOREVERRRR. 

I honestly can't wait to be done with LASALLE. I need a new life. Away from that school. I also can't decide if LASALLE has made me a better or worse person. Well one thing I know for sure is that it has made me treasure my old friends and it has made me realised how much my old friends mean to me. Because I can never find gems like them anywhere else. Sometimes I really can't figure out if I've taken the wrong path. Come to think of it I really cannot secure myself any job with this diploma. I mean yeah I've known that before even taking this course but..... I am just thinking.... Looking at my friends all having internships and facing the real world. What the fuck am I doing sia wasting my parents money. SO MUCH MONEY. Yeah they can afford it but so what?! So what man really. The guilt eats me everyday ok.

I still have a lil less than a month of holiday left. I know very well I'm gonna cry again every night when school starts. I'm going to stress like hell I'm going to go to hell. 1 month is really too short to do anything. There're so many things I wanna do you know. Really omg. 

And career or love? I know it's damn unrealistic to choose love over career but heck I will choose love over career anytime.... I don't know why I guess I really think happiness is my main priority in life. To me my drive in life is always based on others. I hate to say this but I always put my happiness in other people's hands. Sucks because once they're gone, my happiness is gone too. I get attached to people so easily. It's not like I'm a very dependent person la serious I think I can survive on my own. It's just that I'm super unhappy and I hate it la? I really just want to be happy with the person I truly love in the future. Because I know if I love that person, I'd go all lengths for him.... Because nothing else matters... 

I really have no end to this post because I can really go on forever even if there's no link in the paragraphs written. All these are like my scattered thoughts that I can never ever put them together. I live in this fantasy cum realistic world you know. I'm such a hopeless romantic but reality hits me. No such thing.... I want to say that only the heart matters but reality hits me.

Don't know what to say about myself. I'm a confused child who seriously just wants to yolo but is afraid of what everyone will think of me. And in the back of my mind I can already name the few people that I'm scared of. 

This quote that I saw on tumblr. "We don't trust people because of two reasons. 1. because we don't know them. 2. because we know them." So bloody freaking true. 

I'm going to probably regret posting this up because these are my nonsensical thoughts but.... well I would love to look back at it after afew years and love at my stupidity. So yeah note to older shanette: IT WAS A PHASE DONT JUDGE YOURSELF 

Drive, driving, driven.

Oh hey hi.

I realised now, nobody really likes music on blogs yeah? Somehow disrupting what you are listening and stuff? I get that often too, if i visit someone else's blog and i'm listening to my own music and their music just overlaps with mine. Irritating...

So i had English Oral this morning. Honestly, i think i did well for my reading. Yes there's booboo here and there but at least i think this was the best one that i did out of my 3 and 1/2 years in secondary school life. As for picture discussion, didnt really went that well. The picture itself was hard! I couldnt describe what the guy was sitting on. My friend could actually link it to ROWING which i really have no idea what that photo has got anything to do with rowing. Yup, i have absolutely no idea what the picture was about.

Tomorrow is chinese oral and as most of you if not some know, that im really bad at my chinese language. I really dont know how i'm going to carry a conversation with the chinese teacher tomorrow. I'm praying really hard that Mr Ong is not my teacher. I'll cry really.

I'm going to have dance marathon @ Oschool with Liqian tomorrow from 6.30-9.30pm and on Saturday too, with Brice. I'm excited, because its been quite sometime since i last went there and also, dance. :)

Sugar, Spice and everything nice.

Okay you know what? I've decided to start up my blog again. I feel that my english language has been real bad recently. I've been typing too much shortcuts because of twitter and it must have affected how i write and my sentence structures during exam. GOSH THAT IS A REAL BAD ISSUE. Oh and i'm sorry for my previous blog post. I was just frustrated and needed somewhere to rant my nonsensical crap. So pardon me. :\

I've been doing not so well recently. First things first, prelim 1 is almost over and ha ha. Obviously i screwed up. Actually if i was more confident in what i was revising and had more time, i wouldve done better in my humanities. As for math.... Such a disappointment. I feel like i should just dig a hole and hide my head inside. Language wise, like i said, i havent been doing really well lately. Its just a downhill for everything, basically. -_- I'm not smart, i'm not stupid either. I'm just pure lazy. I wish i could just kick off those lazy bones. It'll really help alot, i swear.

Enough with the studies. I think i have a split personality. Actually i feel that everyone does. We can actually put up a strong front when there are people around you. When you're left alone, you just feel, helpless. Do you get what i mean? Nobody can make you feel good. Nothing. You're just weak and pathetic and i really dont know what other words can describe that despondent feeling. Its just terrible to keep feeling that every night.

As i grow a year older each year, i feel like i have gotten colder to the opposite sex. During sec1, fuck man i should just admit that i talk to any guy who flirts with me, gives my number to anyone who wants it. It was hell of a year. Until someone turned up and changed my life for that short period of time. I have no idea why i felt like i was in wonderland. Like seriously, in the past, i felt like he was my everything and i'd die without him. K enough with that crap. I think no one expected i was such a bitch. Well i was. Then when i went to sec2, i started to have infatuation with a guy whom i dont even know from church for wtf 2years? -_- Yeah i know i'm NUTS.

It was starting of sec3 that i started to hate guys alot. 1st, i dont understand whats so important about appearance. 2nd, i get adds from people i dont even know and they start judging me based on my photos. WHAT THE FAUK. 3rd, "i like you. can we stead." <- THIS IS THE WORSE SENTENCE, EVER. Damn guys, please grow up. I dont believe you can actually 'like' someone just because you're attracted to his/her appearance. That sort of 'like' will eventually fade off. So why waste time on such jerks? MOVE ON. Love at first sight? Tell me how and why. Are you nuts? Do you know his background? Do you know how he is like? Do you know what he likes and dislikes? Do you know whats his hobby and can you read his mind even if he isnt talking? If your answer to all or most of the questions above is a "NO", then gurl, stop crapping with the love at first sight shit.

Sorry that i'm too against males but...... No one proved that i was wrong right? Yes there is one, SORT OF. But you're such an on and off. One moment you can treat me like a princess and care like some crazy person and the next, you leave me hanging there thinking i should just throw you in the bin. I dont know. My gut feeling tells me that i should hang on but i really dont know what result am i expecting. Its either, 1, i'm too paranoid. 2, you're trying to get my attention(wtf?) 3, you're obviously using me. You really dont seem like a bad guy. But i really got no prove to anything. You might probably tell every girl the same thing cuz like me, THEY ALWAYS FALL FOR IT. Yes this is every girl's weak point. Lol. I dont know what to say.

I want to text you things like, "what happened to you. why havent you text me for so long.", show some concern or just simply start a conversation. But 3/4 is stopping me from doing that. My mind keeps telling me that you're doing this to every single girl, and you're getting sick of me. Hence, you dont even bother replying. So why the hell should i start texting you and fall into your trap man? Every minute im thinking thinking thinking and i bet my life you dont even know that. I'm sorry i really dont know how to express myself but UGGGGGGHHHHH.

Sorry i dont even know what i'm posting already. So, byebye. I promise i'll try to keep up with posting. But hmmmm, thats only if i get readers la... ._. LOL byebye.

You love me for who i am? What a joke

Can somebody give me a reason to smile? Why when everytime i feel happy that someone actually cared, something HAS to happen?
You know what, i know i'm not perfect. I'm ugly, fat, gigantic, bla, whatever synonyms you can find.
BUT I STILL HAVE A BLOODY RED HEART. I'm a fucking human and i got feelings.
How can you just come into my life and leave just cause god knows what reason and excuse.
Oh my god. Don't say i didnt try. I did. But well, i cannot say anything. You're no longer my property.
You can do whatever you want and hell, NOBODY CARES.
I just want you to know that, you are just one of the many that brings down the pride of Singaporean Males.
I know that there are people who are good, and i dont wanna judge them.
BUT I MUST BECAUSE MY HEART SAYS SO. I'm stubborn i'm annoying i'm irritating i'm cold, WHATEVER.
It's just fucking me and i know nobody is able to accept that except the 6 friends that i've got.
Its just a matter of time really. All those sweet talks <- what the fuck you should stop that. it doesnt work on me but i just find it disgusting.
All those fake concerns that you give, omg. i swear until now i have no idea what motive you've got in your mind.
I hate how you always treat like nothing happened. I hate how you always try to think i will text you back, knowing that i wont.
To tell you the fucking truth, even though i'm dying to talk to someone, i'll never fucking text that someone, regardless of who you fucking are.
& yes i DID care about you. sad that you couldnt tell. cuz if you see how i talk to other people, i know you'll know i care.
BUT FUCK IT. you were the one who initiated everything. idgaf. its friday and i'm annoyed over this.
wasting my time and effort and cells. after whatever you've told me yesterday, you just come and go, as and when you want.
so now, what do you take me for? a fucking toy? lol. what a joke. please just spare me.
i really shouldnt have even stepped into this pile of shit. yes i'm grateful that you took care of me on the day that im sick.
im grateful for everything that you've done i'm serious. but its not consistent. everytime you do something, i'll go like, fuck i shouldnt treat you so bad.
but right after that thought, you'll do something to make me upset and really im speechless.
you wanna free yourself from me, so that you have more choices to choose from and i'm fucking one of them.
let me tell you, I AM NOT A FUCKING CHOICE. ITS EITHER ME OR NOTHING. what fucking choice have you got huh.
dont ever put me in your 'choice' list or i'll freaking take a parang and chase after you.
and guys cant simply put this in their head: when we let you go, we want you to show us that you want us back. NOT LET US GO.
dumb ass. really you live up to your name.

Fate

Hello everybody. I'm back here.

So today's the first time i'm working. Like really paid cuz i "worked". Kay it was for some marathon event at Marina blvd AND IT WAS TREMENDOUSLY BORING :(

I reached yvonne's house at 1.45am and slacked there till 3.30am. Flagged for a cab and reached there just in time, 4am. Changed into the tshirt given and supposingly i was the erm... Some stairway shit thingy uh. But the head pulled me and liqian out cuz the Water Point not enough people. When we reached there, WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE. I was totally clueless to what i should do. After we finished displaying the watercups, the people started coming back. -_- LOL. I was really trying my best to be friendly.

Tried to sleep too cuz there was nothing else to do and the marathon havent started. So when i was almost deciding to sit down and sleep, this guy, i suppose his name is Darence, suddenly came and sat between me and liqian. I was like, er??? So can i sit down or what? LOL. Still sat down but couldn't sleep... I ended up eavesdropping their conversation. -_- Interesting...

At 8ish, people started to reach the ending point and i was like WTH THEY ARE SERIOUSLY SUPERMAN. -_- Started work and kept pouring water non stop. Like some crazy idiot LOL. But our teamwork not bad ah, for strangers. Liqian go give water, i keep pouring water. Keep grabbing new bottles if not enough and pass it to the guys. Yeah it was tiring... I was still eavesdropping though. Well c'mon if you were me you'd eavesdrop too cuz its normal. I've got nothing to do! I'm not being entertained by anyone! I felt bored! :( THATS WHY!

After everyone ran finished, all of us were like dead tired la. The whole place was in a mess, everywhere puddles of water. Idk where to sit. Then i sat on top of this 12L box of water. Its heavy enough to hold my weight k. Thats how heavy it is. LOL.. Then darence damn joke. He go sit at this 2 boxes of empty bottles and after afew minutes, the box couldn't withstand his weight. LOL. Yeah yeah yeah. So blah blah blah, we could pack off at like 10 plus already. AND WE WERE WONDERING HOW WE WERE GONNA CARRY SO MANY 12L boxes of water bottles!!! Some guy brought a trolley and carried almost 30-40 boxes of 12L of water bottles. Mad crazy.. Of course others helped but dont really have that much use uh.

Went back J8 to eat after that and head home. Now i'm thinking if i should go to sleep cuz i havent slept, or just stay awake...

마지막 선물

Hello. I know it's been a long time since i last updated this blog. You know what, i think i've lost interest in blogging. I dont feel like there's a need to share my life with people when they dont even give a heck about it. I used to love blogging. I used to love writing a whole load of grandmother story even though i know not many of you guys read. But now, i really find it a waste of time. This might probably be the last time i'll update this. WHO KNOWS? Probably in the future, there would be times when i miss the blog and decide to post again. But for now, i think it's really... of no use. I'm sorry blog :( Well, i think you can obviously still find me through twitter or facebook. C'mon i'm like 24/7 active over there.

Twitter: www.twitter.com/shanetteluvyou
Facebook: Search Shanette Tan/mailto:Tan/shanette-@hotmail.com :)

So...... life have been really mundane these days. On Tuesday and Wednesday, i was so in luck. On my way home on Tuesday, i was alighting from the bus and coincidentally, he went up to the bus, not knowing of my presence. Wow its alright. To me, it's really very amazing what fate can do sometimes. If i just missed by one minute, he could have hopped on to another bus. & on Wednesday, it was New year's eve. I was thinking if i should hang out with my friends till evening or just go home straight. I chose to go home straight, and when i was walking home, he was walking behind me. Ok he overtook me after that. I have no idea how he can walk so fast really. I tried walking infront but he still overtook me. -_- He doesnt recognise me :( Or idk. I guess thats kinda a good thing. I dont know what has gotten into me really. Was he my husband in my past life or someone dear to me? Seriously? Why do i have such different thoughts from the other teenagers? Sigh.

Alright babies. I'm gone for now. It feels sad. :( Plus i'm listening to a sad song right now. Double sadness... Goodbye. See you guys real soon, i hope? Love you all.

Speciality

Today was a rather awesome day i can say.
I went out feeling very bloated and tired and sloppy, but came home remembering how retarded we all were.

So i woke up at 10am this morning, bathed, downloaded afew songs and went out to meet Liqian and Chongjun first. Amanda and Charlotte met earlier in the morning i guess. So while walking to 77th street, i saw zhengxiang and alexea. Omg shocked me cuz i totally didnt see or notice them. Zhengxiang was like *wavewavewavewavewave* -_-! LOL. I was blasting songs on my earphones too so, didnt really care about the surroundings. Then waited for liqian and her bro. Still havent come sian. I waited there alone. SO LONELY. Then someone tapped me from behind. DARRYLE TAN, with Jiazhen. Eh wtf shocked the 2nd time of the day -_- DAMN GL LEH I THINK. I like never do anything but he keep shooting me non stop. Wtf. Ok whatever. Liqian came shortly after awhile BUT I DIDNT SAW HER TOO EVEN THOUGH SHE'S RIGHT INFRONT OF ME AND SHE WAS ALSO WAVING LIKE ME. Wtf i swear im abit pajiao and crazy. -.- 3rd shock of the day. Then when i turned, i realised Charlotte and Amanda was already there?!!? I WAS STANDING AT THE SAME SPOT FOR SO LONG BUT I DIDNT SEE THEM!? Wtf x10000000. LOL.

Decided to go Ion first. Bought Chongjun's clothes from Uniqlo and shoes from Everlast. Then just kept walking around. Walk until leg tired. ._. Then went Wisma. Today so many people. Make me angry only. 1. DAMN HOT. HUMAN HEAT. 2. So cramped! 3. Keep kena stepped or banged. Wtf angry only. Then Chongjun like poor thing only la. When we go in girls shop he always stand outside wait. First few shops awkward only. It was the first time i saw and actually interacted with him. So yeah i just left him there waiting alone LMAO. But i suddenly got tired of shopping when we decided to go Far east. I dont like far east :( So i got no mood to shop lol.. Liqian amanda and charlotte like active shoppers only. So i just stood outside waiting, with chongjun lor.

Seriously he always give me the Simon D look. The look where Simon D got owned that kind of look. REALLY SIA, especially his mouth. & LIQIAN KEPT SAYING HE FAT. ZZZ Ya la fatter than average singapore men size BUT COMPARED TO MY BROTHER, he already okay pls. My brother can slim down like him hor, i thank heaven like what shit already. LOL. Worst part is my brother and him SAME AGE. I swear you put them together, one look like primary school kid(my bro), another look like secondary school kid.

I was damn tired man seriously. But here and there laughter always starts out of nowhere. Funny la. HAHA. Went amk to eat after that and Charlotte kept laughing at me cause she thought i was the epic joker of the day :( LOL. Reached home around 8plus, bathed and now i'm here. HAHA.

Tomorrow's study day :( Sian. Dont want leh.... Wished i can go out again.. But idk when i'll have the time again la. Gonna go do hair tomorrow. Hehe happy.

Luv @ 1st sight.

Hello people.

Another week of school is also coming to an end. LOL Actually it's only in the middle of the week. BUT HA, i just wanted to do up a post :)

1stly, i'm very disappointed in myself for not pushing myself to the max to participate in SYF. Like seriously i cried on the way home.
2ndly, the stupid time table is seriously pissing me off after 2&half weeks. Its like, i've got double period CS on Monday, then CS again on Tuesday. Math on Monday, Math again on Tuesday. Double bio on monday, and bio again on Tuesday -.-. Double MT on Tuesday, MT again on Wednesday. History on Wednesday, History AGAIN on Thursday. SS on Thursday, SS AGAINNNNN ON FRIDAY. Walao eh timetable check please Valerie Goh.
3rdly, I FIND MY CHINESE GROUPING DAMN SAD SIA HAHAHAHA. (Let me elaborate more.)

Mr Ong anyhow give all of us numbers and Me, Jonas, Andrew and Yanqun all got the number 5. So we're like a group lor. I realised everyone was seriously in a group you know. C'mon seriously what's so hard to turn to the back and look like a group? I dont quite understand Yanqun's thinking :\ She's making me quiteeeee uncomfortable cuz she's like the only girl excluding me there. If she doesnt turn, isnt it like awkward for me to turn behind alone? At some point of time, i was like AH DANG IT I SHALL JUST TURN ITS SO AWKWARD. Walao eh just be a group la whats so hard dotdotdot.

& I hate to say this but, my lazy habit is kicking back in. I seriously need to stop this nonsense and get back to work damn it shanette.

Pistanthrophobia -The Fear Of Trusting

Hello.

So 2 weeks of school has gone past. 1st week, nothing much. 2nd week, alot of things. I dont know where to start from either and it'd totally bore you out if i write stuff about school. So yeah. School is basically school. & I've got one pimple out of nowhere suddenly. I BET ITS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ENOUGH SLEEP.

Just started watching Dream High today. Ima finish up episode 3 and 4 by tonight HOPEFULLY. This is one reason why i dont like watching dramas when they first release. I've gotta keep waiting for episodes! I dont like :( I also dont like Suzy from Miss A in Dream High. She's forever annoying! A fact that cannot be denied, I DISLIKE HER. :)

Chinese New Year is nearing. I've already got an idea what i'm wearing already. I'm just lacking of 2 waistbelts and wedges/heels.

Have been having dance lessons for the past week. Dance is gonna be 3 times a week starting from this year. Wow i'm so gonna have muscles seriously. Hehehe i'm excited, because i already foresee myself with it. I eat bread everyday for breakfast/lunch. & dinner. HOW CAN I NOT SLIM DOWN YOU TELL ME! Except for weekends :\ But i control too! Hehe. I dont care slim down slim down slim down. Muscles muscles muscles.



I'm a replacement.

I dont care anymore. There's nothing much i can care about if you dont want to talk to me. Just know that when you actually do come and talk to me, i'll definitely be there.

I'm no longer the old Shanette. I hate childish people. I hate ahlians and ahbengs. I hate people who doesnt respect themselves. Giving your body to a guy whom you've met for like probably at most a month, or probably lesser? You're an ultimate sore loser i swear to god. I draw a line between people whom i can mix with and people whom i will NEVER WANT to mix with.

Yes it's normal for girls to talk about handsome guys once in awhile. But hearing it for too many times make me SICK. I dont need a handsome boy to brighten my mood. I dont need a random person to just tell me he likes me. I DONT NEED. I just need friends who loves and friends me for WHO I AM. Nothing else. If you cannot accept who i am, i dont know why you even befriended me in the first place. To add on to your best-friend/close-friend/good-friend/friend list? Count me out please. I would rather not be your friend.

Treasure me. If not, dont break my heart. 

It's haunting me.

I'm so pissed off right now. Like seriously i feel that there is a need for me to post this out. But i dont know, this might be deleted right after i type my last word. It happened in so many posts. Lol.

No one understands me. I hate it when people sympatize me. I cannot stand it when people try to be close to me, gain my trust and then the next day, treat it like nothing happened. I hate how people always text me so often and yet when met in real life, pretend like i'm a piece of transparent wall. C'mon, if you claim you know me, you should know that i dont take initiatives. I know its a very bad point but yeah what can i do?

I seriously cannot explain my feelings out. I dont know how. The kind of feeling when you know your status compared to a normal friend is one level higher but you also know he/she doesnt give a damn. The kind of feeling when you know how much you yourself hate it when he/she has alot of text messages and your 1 message, doesnt make a difference. The kind of feeling when your supposed-to-be closest friend gets jealous over the smallest things. Things like me talking to a boy whom i've talked to like forever and have already stopped talking to her for awhile. Things like me being close with another friend. What the hell my life seems so screwed.

I've got so many things bottled inside i feel like i'm gonna explode anytime. Ha but you are happy hor? You got so many people to go to and you still happily treat me like transparent wall. GOOD. Just continue judging me by how i look la k. I'm already used to it. I dont care anyway. I hate how 2011 is going. It's 8th January today. ITS ONLY the 8TH of the 1ST MONTH. What is going on? I was supposed to start studying at 1pm today but someone spoilt my mood. Making me unable to concentrate till now. I've wasted 3 god damn hours. No one is willing to tell me anything about DNT. I'm so crazy right now i can scream until hillside mansion can hear me.

I dont want to stay home. I feel like home is a place where all the ugly thoughts come into mind. No one is beside me. I'm all alone. I want to study, but my bed always seduces me. I really really want to score well this coming test. I really want to go Korea. I really want to bloody prove my parents wrong. But how....... Talk is cheap... :( I want school everyday. Sigh.

When i'm always in this state, no one is ever here for me. No one... Everyone is busy with their own lives. Everyone has got their own problems, i understand... But i believe almost everyone surely has got someone whom he/she can tell his/her problems to, right? I dont. Sometimes random people just ask me if i'm ok. What for? I already grouped you under the random column. I dont trust you. So why should i tell you my problems. But those whom i expect to ask me if i'm ok, simply doesnt give a damn.

Yeah this time i'm seriously terribly upset. Sigh. Goodbye.....

Sec1 Orientation Day 2011

Heyheyhey hihihi. Today was the start of real schooling. Like we were really studying. Actually not really tho... Had Social studies for the first period and our teacher's Ms Hannah Low. Nice ah she. Haha she just did some introduction :) Then DNT was next. :( Sobs i dont know if i should be happy with my class or what. Lol, i'm still forever stucked in Mr Yeo class. Hmmm.... Dontknow la. Sometimes his "jokes" to me, are too much. I think. Plus there are only 6 sec4s(me and mates) in the class. The others all 5A students. Lol. There are 14 people in my DNT class. After that was the last period, Chemistry. Concentrated and learned stuff but dont really understand Redox 3rd&4th method. -_- Gonna revise tomorrow.

After school, ORIENTATION TIME!!! We went J8 to have lunch first... I was planning not to eat. Ugh but... everyone was eating so it was kinda... a no choice thing. LOL. Spent $5+ on food ohmygod. LOL!!! I'm trying to save money... We had a long chat @ mcdonalds. The whole clique was there except for Charlotte. Busy dating boyfriend haha. Went back to school and realised how quiet the school was. & then it strucked me. This year only have 2 exp classes and 1 na class. So yeah... that kinda explains it.

I was so bored after returning to school tho. I was totally just rotting till 5pm when we went to the hall to rehearse. GOD DAMN IT, IT WAS SO HORRIBLE I WANTED TO JUST DIG A HOLE AND HIDE MY HEAD INSIDE. Somemore so many people were around. Totally killed my mood. Went back, rested and just messed around. Bellda was super cool. Haha cant stand her la~

Dance performance was delayed for a very long time because of idk what reason. I bet all those who watched our rehearsal was thinking we'd screw this whole shit up all over again. HA DID WE PROVE YOU WRONG?! WE DID RIGHT??? LOL.

There was one thing i'm curious about tho. Joel tseng kept calling me without any reason. 1st time, dnt class. "Shanette whose class you in?" "Mr Yeooo" "Mr Low~~" -.- LOL. Then next was performance. "Shanette *Smiles*" O.O LOL decided to post it down because it suddenly flashed into my brain HAHA. Nevermind.

It was a mixed up feeling day too. But i think overall, because of the dance, it brightened my day. But you, pretended i'm transparent, continue doing that kay. I dont know you too. 

새해 복 많이 받으세요!

Hello. I think i'm sick but i wished i could go to school on Monday instead of Tuesday. Firstly, FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL IS ALWAYS NOTHING WHAT RIGHT? So i wanna go school instead of rotting at home :(

Have been having dance for 7hours these days practicing for orientation item. I swear we're in such a fuckin mess i wished i can just dont perform. Like i think even if i dont perform no one will know anything lor -.- Zzz. It sucks being tall. Forever hiding at the back. FOR WHO TO SEE SIA. Previously when we performed All that Jazz, i was always at the right side of the stage. Now i'm always at the left already. I feel so confused at which side to enter the stage sometimes because this item needs to keep exiting and entering. DAMN. I wish i can just stay on the damn stage so i wont get confused.

Like i've said on Facebook, the past three days was tedious. My whole leg and shoulders were aching so badly. & depression kept kicking in because so many people could do proper pirouettes. AND I COULDNT. Its like fuck. I kept telling myself WTF FUCK YOU JUST TURN. Still failed. I dont know why seriously. I think i couldnt spot fast enough. Ugh whatever, forget about this fucking depression thing.

New year's eve wasnt a very good day for me. But i saw Elvin Ng and Ruien :) Totally handsome. It's like the second time seeing Elvin ng. I shouldve seriously took a photo with him when he took the same plane as me last time when i went to Thailand. GOSH SERIOUSLY HE WAS STANDING RIGHT INFRONT OF MEEEEEE. *cries* When i came back i even got so emo because of that LMAO. I'm retarded i know.

Hmmmm I REALLY JUST WANT SCHOOL TO START. Screw that stupid orientation dance. NO MATTER WHAT I'LL STILL PUT IN MY BEST. I'm just praying juniors wont screw it up. Like those slower sec1s'10. DONT WORRY RELAX. JUST DANCE.

메리 크리스마스♥

 

 안녕하세요~ I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Hope most of you out there are having a time of your lives :)

All i want for christmas is you.

Hello.

I'm gonna have tuition later again. English this time round. Ugh.. It's gonna be another hell-ish 2hours. Where to find the mood to study when i know tomorrow's Christmas' Eve? Sigh every freaking christmas also so boring. If only i can follow Alexea and co tomorrow. It seems fun to me. Well at least its better than being stucked at home, entertaining people whom i dont know. Its not like my house has a swimming pool or a pool table or a karaoke room. It's so boring!!!!! This year i dont even bother looking around for gifts. I only invited my clique. I am 100% sure they wont buy gifts. Lol. I dont feel Christmas is near at all. There is not even 1/10 of my neighbourhood decorated for Christmas.

Started watched Mary Stayed Out All Night since yesterday. Now i'm at episode 10 already. 2 more episodes and i have to start waiting for the other 4 episodes to be out. I shall watch the other 2 episodes tonight. I think ep 13 & 14 will come out tonight and tomorrow. Stay tuned, to those who are watching~ :) I wanna click Funshion and watch Hello Stranger but i know my butt cannot take it man. Wished i could watch it on my phone but ...... LOL dont have.

I want to be in Korea.... I want to celebrate christmas in a cold place like Korea... I want to wear thick clothing, wear earmuffs and scarfs and beanies. I hate Singapore, alot :( I want my life to be like those in dramas. :( At least something always happens in dramas. In my life, it's dull and boring and i'm sick of this. I want to make new friends. Or at least i want to find someone whom i can hang on the phone for the whole night and wont get sick of it, someone who would text me 24/7 with all meaningful texts and not one word text messages, someone who knows where to find me when i go missing, someone who knows what i'm thinking even without me telling. Where did all the good people disappear to???????! Where!!!

You're the only one.

I swear the tagboard is annoying me. I rather not have any comments than to have a bunch of retarded bots spamming my tagboard. Idiots sia. Last time dont have such thing. SINCE WHEN IT BECAME SO OFTEN?! Kay i dont care.

Just returned from Malaysia. I'll probably rate the trip 5/10. I'm sorry but i've been quite pissed off with my mom for quite a number of times and vice versa. Well she's my mom right? What can i do?! -.- Nothing but to admit defeat. Sometimes i swear she's in the wrong. But this is like sales. The customer is FOREVER right. -_- If my mom sees what i've posted here, i bet my entire life in that she'll definitely lecture me.

It was shopping most of the time. Mom dont allow me to buy hoodies anymore. Like wth? I like hoodies. It's my style. Even tho the weather's hot, i wear it! Cuz i wear it to shopping malls what! Shopping malls hot meh!? Walao eh. Then she rather spend money on clothes i wont wear. SHE SAID IT HERSELF. She said i'd simply waste her money cuz i wont wear it. Ugh. Things that i'd wear, she wont buy. Walao eh. What logic? She wants me to wear clothes that would definitely make me look fat. I DONT SAY I'M FAT BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO SAY I'M NOT. I swear i say it because i mean it. C'MON. You have to feel comfortable with what you wear so you will have confidence right!? My mother should know that what! HEY, we're in the same kind of situation where our body is hopeless. I'm only a few sizes smaller than you. SO WHAT?! AFEW SIZES SMALLER THAN YOU IS NOT SMALL AT ALL! Compare me with my friends, i'm a fucking giant and i'm fucking depressed. Telling me to wear something that shows my fats simply kills my mood seriously. Now if anyone gets me a hoodie for christmas present, birthday present or whatever present? I'd be definitely happy. -.-

Didnt really played the theme park. Only played ONE roller coaster, lmao. Cuz those who've been to Sunway Lagoon, you know 3/4 of the theme park is a water park. & I dont want to get myself wet. I know i'd get sunburn lol. Brother and dad played in the water for awhile while i'm left alone in a corner, thinking about you know who.

After that when we went for lunch, i found wifi. Hurriedly checked my mail, and as expected, he didnt reply. WHAT SHOULD I DO TO MAKE YOU TALK TO ME?! WHAT!?!?!??! You drive me nuts sometimes seriously. Sleepless nights, huge eyebags, headaches, omg. You know, even if you said a simple "yes/no" in a message or something, I WOULD EVEN BE HAPPY. I feel like i'm tryna get a superstar to talk to me or something. WHY BE SO HARD! You're human and I AM TOO. What am i to you man? WHAT? Someone who is desperate for love?! YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME. If i were, i would have tens of boyfriends before already. Why need to wait for 2years and STILL NOT KNOW YOU!? UGH. I reallyyyyyyyyy dont understand. I REALLY DONT. Can you seriously explain!? People say i'm crazy. I KNOW I AM. But wtf can i do. I seriously dont know what the hell am i doing.

Okay lets just say you dont want to talk to me. BUT YOUR MERE PRESENCE BRINGS A SMILE TO MY FACE. You should know that. I KNOW YOU DO. So why cant you just pass by my house afew times? WHY!!!!! Gawd you're killing me. I wish someone can tell me you're on a holiday and hence you cannot excess to your mail and you havent seen my mail. I'd be so comforted even tho i know it will never happen.  

Since i've already mentioned all the bad parts of the trip, let's start with the positive moments. Daddy was being the center person during the whole trip. He also knows mom was being unreasonable most of the time. He told me and brother to be more understanding because my mother can never joke around. Even if she does, its not laughable at all. It's just pure lameness. ._.  Okay so yeah. He also joke around to bring the mood up. Thanks. For once he wasnt talking about studies and i'm so happy.

Spencer and daddy played pool and it was totally a joke. I laughed until my throat almost dropped out. HAHAHAHA SPENCER LA. HE KEEP HITTING THE WHITE BALL IN! If not hor, the ball confirm jump cuz he anyhow hit!!! Then the 2nd game, HE SHOOT IN THE BLACK BALL, jackpot... FIRST BALL LEH. LMAO MAN. I think he really got alot of fate with black and white.. So funny. Laugh until i die.

I'm sorry that this post is so HOT, so ANGSTY.. I know no one reads my blog anymore. I only need ONE person to read it, and thats you. I want YOU to stalk me back. WILL YOU!? No. I apologise to my mum publicly since i've written so much with such hot temper. I know i've sinned. Lord please forgive me. But sometimes i really just need to vent. I'm sorry. I've got no one to talk to. Even if i do, i know that person wont understand me at all. They are not in my position, they wont know how i feel. AT ALL. My parents CAN NEVER understand me. That's a fact. Theres an age gap. And its something we cannot change, whether my parents accept it or not. Yes they might be the closest kins to me, but they know that they dont know me 100%. So how can ANYONE else know me? Dont lie to yourself. I'm sorry, i really am. I'm not in the mood right now.    

You're amazing just the way you are.

Okay hello. I'm kinda in the right mood to blog right now. Cuz the negative ions are all coming back to me. I can totally spam a whole load of questions here right now. But before that, i need to blog about our new principal first ^^

Before school ended, i got a lashing from Mr Vasu telling me how bad my results were and stuff like that. He badly wanted to see my mother and kept interrogating me like i'm a prisoner damn. ._. I told my mom that the principal wanted to see her. But she was lazy to go down *F3~* So i told her that she can go see principal when i'm having my dance camp. Hehehe... That's like end of holiday already. But sadly, the school called her up and said we have to go down to get my report slip lol.

I was dreading today, cuz i'm so afraid its Mr Vasu. He'll definitely make me feel terribly rejected. I was praying for Mr Ng or the new principal. I know Mr Ng is also kinda harsh at times but at least not as harsh as Mr Vasu. -_- LOL. Okay so it was the new principal, Mdm Valerie Goh.

I stepped into the principal's ofc, prepared for the worst of the worst LOL~! She was so motherly. I feel like she's my second mother for the few minutes that she talked to me. "In order to relieve your stress, you need to find someone to talk to. You must know how to be able to handle this level of stress. You can talk to your mother. Or me if you dont mind. even if its complaining about teachers, i wont mind." This was only a super small part of the conversation i kinda had with her. I totally expected the opposite...  She made me feel very warm for that moment haha. But be caution, she said she'll be strict with attire. I mean, c'mon... It's kinda expected from a female principal. I got so pissed off with that Owl face principal in Yuying last time. TOTALLY PISS ME OFF. I really hope Mdm goh wont be as strict... One good thing was, she didnt say anything about my hair colour. So it definitely means its not obvious ^^. She told me to get haircut cuz my fringe is almost touching my eyes. & caught my skirt too... LOL... Nevermind~

I'm gonna trim my fringe a little today. It's kinda screwed and i'm unhappy with it. Totally.... ._. But i dont think i'm gonna cut my hair during CNY. :) After hair trim ima go Somerset to have Marche with mom and my brother. Reason being, Spencer hasnt ate it before and mom thinks he should try it. LOL~ Okay..

Should i start my negative post now? Yes. you need a little abit of negative ions to balance the whole post out lol~ :)

1. Come to think of it, i do not need a flawless face anymore. I just want a face that everyone thinks "Ah she's having puberty. It's alright to have afew pimples.."

2. I've found another kind of Christopher Ng (CN). Sorry to <<<< for naming him out but yeah. Since he was the only one who gave me such a bad memory in the past, i could only name him. This CN no.2, i havent met before. I dont know why he's doing in my list either. I seriously need to clear my facebook friendlist. It's annoying me. He havent met me before, AND HE KEEPS TALKING LIKE I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS. Damn it sorry but i think i know Church guy (Dont think i should say his name even though i know some of you know him.) more than him. No this is not the point. The point was, i found him telling another girl "You're my girlfriend ma~" "I like you ma~" Mushy stuff like that. -.- Hello not that i'm jealous, i'm just disgusted by these kind of people. Did you guys see my Facebook status? I'll copy it here in case you're not a friend of mine in Facebook.

"People who search for online boy/girlfriends either have no brains or are just plain desperate. I don't understand how a guy can say sweet shits to countless of girls without even meaning it. HELLO WE AIN'T TOYS YOU BISH(ES)!"

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with this sentence at all. I can say directly at those people's faces that THEY ARE TOTALLY MAJOR SORE LOSERS. If you cannot find a boyfriend/girlfriend, STAY SINGLE YOU IDIOT. Is it so hard? If you seriously need to satisfy your needs, why not go find a chicken or a duck. -.- I despise people like you. 

3. Those fairytale thoughts in my mind every night is very surreal. Its so saddening to know that it wont come true and its only meant to be in my dream. It took me almost 2 years to get your ONE virtual reply. Will i have to wait another 2 years to get another reply? Ohman...

Enough negative ions lol. Bye...

Always expect the unexpected.

HI! Sorry for not posting lol... There was nothing much going on in my life for the past few days.. Hehe. I wanted to post now cuz i'm feeling very happy ^^ I'M JUST SO HAPPY!!!! I can seriously just flood this post with "OMG I AM SERIOUSLY SO HAPPY BECUZ OF ONE EMAIL CONSISTING OF ONLY 2 SENTENCES."

Okay i kinda understand that no one will understand what kind of STUPID situation i'm in, not even my closest friend (not like i really have one...) . Actually someone understands... Winnie! Oh man i love her. I dont really wanna explain either. One sided kind of feelings lol, for 2 years (almost..) I'm feeling so Oh Hani LOL!! & Its also a fact that he is like Kim Hyun Joong. ._. Except i dont think he's mean.. The first time i watched Playful Kiss, the first person that came into mind was him LOL. That's why i could get over with SA2.

*SMILES WIDELY* I'm still happy :D

Quit the happiness for a lil while... I...... am going to school tomorrow with mommy to get my report slip. Awman i'm dead. :( Okay i mean i feel dead. I know the principal's gonna nag at me very badly. :( What should i do? Haha.. I SERIOUSLY NEED TO ADMIT I CANNOT DO A PROPER POST IN THE KIND OF MOOD I AM IN NOW. I can only flood "I AM SO HAPPY" right now. BYE!

Low self-esteem.

Sorry. I really dont feel like doing that stupid Day 1 day 2 day 3 thingy already. Totally wasting my time only. LOL.... I dont really know what to write. <- Omg i cant believe i said that sentence. ._. Okay it'd be a totally random post.

Went out with Geraldine and Liqian today. Very zibei you know. Can you imagine 2 pretty ladies beside you and you're the only one fat, the only one who looks tall when she is not really tall, the only one who feels very odd. -_- Tsktsktsk i cant believe i felt that today. I mean i havent felt such a thing in such a long time. You know why that kind of idiotic feeling suddenly came back?

Because when we were slacking in mac, a bunch of fucking ahbengs came up and asked for Geraldine's and Liqian's number. LIKE IRRITATING ONLY. 3 times you know. They kept trying you know. Not that i'm jealous. THEY ARE JUST LIKE, desperate. But it just kinda tells me that they are very pretty and i'm like the............. how do you say? People will judge me. "Aiya not that fat one la. That sexy hour glass shape girl beside the fat girl. Help me ask her number leh." This kind of thing. -.- ZZZ.

Fuck my life la. I cannot stand how Singaporean guys judge girls sia. Cb find girls to fuck only. -.- & hor, those girls who let them fuck right, STUPID UNTIL I GOT NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THEM. Sorry i'm just very prejudiced against boys who are borned in Singapore. I know there are like a handful who are good man. But ha, it's rare. I've given up hope on SG boys. lol. I really wished my boobs was smaller........ ._. I rather be flat than big. I know i'm stupid or whatever, I DONT CARE. I want my arms to be smaller. Damn i hate myself. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF AND THATS IT.

Wow the post has turned so vulgar. Enough no matter how much i say about this bitchy matter, nothing changes. So i bought my iphone 4 yesterday. I'm happy with it LOL. Download Tango please everyone~~! It's fun~ Heheh. :D

Wanrong, you shouldnt have did it...

Yesterday night, i found out from Yvonne that Wanrong commited suicide.. Hey girl do you know that commiting suicide cannot solve anything? Yes it can probably solve the fact that you do not need to go to Normal Acad but have you thought about the feelings of everyone else, especially your parents and brother?

I was terribly shocked when i heard about it. I couldnt believe that it was actually reality, really. The worst thing was, almost all knew like in the evening and i'm sure i'm one of the few who knew at 9plus in the night. I went to ask Jonas for the truth because i heard from someone else that all 3E2 students were called back to school? He told me she jumped down building... Totally felt the sharp pain. HOW COULD SHE DO IT!?!?! He called me afterwards to tell me more information. If he told me earlier that i could go pay my last respects to her earlier yesterday, i wouldve gone.. :( But when i called him, it was already 10.30! I was already in my pajamas!

Even though i'm not a close friend of hers, she still made me smile sometime in my life.

She'd show her concern to people in school who are not even close to her. She took the initiative to talk to me, to know me.

When i got back my poor bio SA2 results, she asked if i was okay because i looked like i could almost burst into tears any moment...

Sometimes if i pass by her in school, she'd always smile to me so sweetly that i cannot help but open my mouth and say Hi. 

I still remember how you always walk up to me and tell me about Taemin!

Or those times during English mass lecture, when you see me day-dreaming, you'd ask me if i was thinking about Taemin with that very beautiful smile of yours. 

Girl you really shouldnt have did what you did..

You should have told someone about your problems.

Someone whom you think is really trustable.

Even though the memories i've had with you isnt that much, its all memorable..

You're such a nice person, i'm sure you'll go heaven.

Please rest in peace..

{UPDATED}

I just paid my last repects to Wanrong 2hours ago... Her body's cremated already... You know, i put myself in her dad's shoes. I could feel the pain her dad was feeling. Its so heartbreaking to see such a young and bright girl decided to end her life just like that. Her parents went through so much to bring her up. Just bringing her to earth is pure pain already.... Studies is not everything..... There are many NA students outside too. Yes its very depressing to drop to NA. But end your life and make the whole world suffer? Its really very painful.... When i saw her close friends crying, i imagined if one of the 7 passed away...... Dont need to say 7. People like Charmaine, Crystal, Nathalie, Trudy, Choolin, Dominic, Jonas, Brice or whoever that i've been close with before.. The feeling's terrible.... Its like a piece of you is gone. Even though i always "i-dont-care" things, I CARE. Wanrong i really hope you dont suffer anymore on top. Really.... Its really hell to go through hell even afterlife. God Bless You <3.....